One year ago today….

August 3, 2009!

I can’t believe one year ago today I got a phone call from the hospice center saying Mom was gone. I called Dad and we met there, with my wonderful young cousin Wendy who had spent the night with her, and we said goodbye.

I can’t believe that when something good happens to me I can no longer pick up the phone and tell her the good news.

I can’t believe that when I’m confused, or have something bad happen, I can’t ask for her advice or guidance in trying to fix the problem or make the situation seem clear.

I can’t believe Kris and I lost such an incredible Mom, Dad lost his wife and partner of almost 45 years, my Grandma lost a daughter, her brothers and sisters lost a sibling, Kaye lost a best friend, Magaly lost her American matriarch and many others lost a colleague and friend.

I can’t believe cancer is such a horrible, destructive disease and that there are cures for baldness and impotence, but not for this ridiculous killer!

I can’t focus on all of the negative. While there are so many things I could say today, just like on other days about Mom and how much losing her has been horrible, today I will reflect on the love and happiness that Mom brought to me and so many around her while she was healthy and living the life she wanted.

Her eyes would light up when we talked about Treasure Lake, Chuck and Jean, Kris and Magaly be married and our visits to Panama,  Dad enjoying his retirement, me finding a group of people I cared about in Michigan through Relay, spring breaks on Sanibel island, her great friends at CSU and in the nursing commuity and much more. She even grew to love my dog Riley (and he loved her) even after she initially poo-pooed his adoption. 

So many positive and beautiful things happened because Mom was in my life – and in many of your lives too. 

I remember her today and every day as the strong woman she was, and while it is hard to see that in my mind after seeing her sick for nearly two years, I think back to the days after her death when I was writing the eulogy and what I thought about then. How do you put into words a loss of a 65 year old woman as dynamic as Mom?

I focused on the core of who she was, what she did and how she always had time to listen to everyone and help as many people as she could, being selfless with her time, because she wanted to help people and give them the skills they needed to succeed.

Today I focus on her love for family, friends, work and the Cleveland community, and hope that I can even begin to accomplish her feats of greatness in my lifetime.

Love you Mom! We miss you so very much. Hope hope you’re enjoying the view from above!

 

Mom’s Memorial Service at CSU

Last Thursday, many of my Mom’s family had the chance to join Dad & I at Cleveland State for a beautiful service they presented in memory of Mom and her many professional and personal accomplishments.

While I was nervous about what I was going to say, I was happy to find that I was one of many speakers, including some of Mom’s closest friends and colleagues and we were surrounded by wonderful people wanting to celebrate my Mom.

Sheila had lovely stories to tell about my Mom’s fascination with collecting figurines of old people and sharing them with her, Dorothy shared her gratitude for Mom and her adherence to the Florence Nightingale creed of nurses, Jane shared her love of traveling with Mom, shopping together and sharing stories about the two Davids (her husband and my Dad). It was also great to hear Dad ask some funny questions of the gathered group of nurses and to also tell the story of meeting Mom and marrying her in just a few short weeks, and finding out when acquiring the marriage license that they were both Scorpios, which later meant that the way to work together was to make all decisions as a team, otherwise their two strong personalities could never work in tandem. Lisa read a beautiful psalm she felt related to Mom and the description of the Mom’s voice of reason but always being a Wild Card at a meeting. All the other speakers brought out something special that kindly and sweetly memorialized Dr. Cheryl, a nurse of 45 years and a friend to many in the room for 20 plus years!

I chose to go another route, because of course, Dr. Cheryl to me is Mom. While I can’t even begin to say how much I miss her, I thought I would discuss the revitalized Cleveland and how I thought Mom might appreciate the work being done downtown.

You can see the letter in my Letters to Mom section of the Web site posted Monday. This is what I said to introduce the letter. As always, Dad and I (and my brother Kris and the rest of our family) thank everyone for their support and especially Vida in hosting the memorial service. We appreciate all of your beautiful words, sentiments, stories and love for our family.

Memorial Service: 10/23/08 3:00 p.m.

 

It was just a year ago I was here in this very place telling you tales with Mom sitting at the table beside me, celebrating her retirement.

 

As you’ve heard tonight and know from your experiences with her, Mom loved CSU and really had no desire to retire – and she certainly wasn’t ready to stop living her life.

 

But some choices are beyond our control and I always believe that there is a silver lining within even the worst horrible gray cloud. That has to be my chance to meet all of you, all of her wonderful friends and colleagues and to meet all the people who helped our family and surrounded us with love when Mom’s days were numbered.

 

While I think I was mostly in a daze the week after we lost Mom, I do remember several things that people told me about her during visitation and services at our church. The two that I share today stuck with me the most. First I was told: Your Mom always had time to help, no matter how small or large the problem. I knew I could count on her to be there. Second, someone told me thank you for sharing your Mom with us. I was so stuck by this. She loved this place! I should thank you all you for sharing her with us!

 

My Mom gave and gave and over the last two years even when she became increasingly ill and I hope I was able to give back just a fraction of what she gave to me, to you and to our family and friends away from CSU. I hope I will be able to take her caring and kind legacy in my life.

 

Since May, I’ve written a blog to keep people informed about Mom. As a journalist and public relations professional, this gave me the chance to inform and hopefully entertain along the way. Humor kept me going thru the hard times and I hope it will keep me going for the rest of my life.

 

Since I no longer can call her and tell her all the things going on, I’ve started a new segment called Letters to Mom – look for it in book stores someday about dealing with grief!

 

I want to share a new letter that I’m writing to Mom that I think will have special meaning to all of you gathered here to day as we’ve seen the changes in Cleveland over the last few months.

 

Mom, You won’t believe it: RTA’s HealthLine is RUNNING!

Note: I shared this letter with everyone at Mom’s Memorial Service at CSU on Thursday, October 23, 2008

 Dear Mom,

 It’s a miracle! I know you are not going to believe it, but the RTA new HealthLine system is opening up this weekend! I know, it’s a shock that it is finally here and running, but it is true. I hadn’t seen the changes on the far east end of Euclid, but when I came back to work after Labor Day, there were no more construction barrels, loud noises or anything going on at Euclid by Public Square and East Fourth Street, where my colleagues and I walk to for lunch. In fact, all that I saw were nice, clean streets, sidewalks and the new bus terminals.

 

While CSU’s area of Euclid was done, we were waiting for the rest of it to be finished and on Saturday it officially opened. I know you’d be proud of Cleveland for making it easier for students to get to CSU from wherever they are with the expanded bus system and the more direct routes. It means the next time I come from work on Public Square to CSU, I hop on a healthline bus, go 20 blocks, and hop off. Much easier, and hopefully a way to see CSU – along with all the other businesses thrive.

 

It really didn’t seem real to me until last week when I walked to meet Dad at the Palace at Playhouse Square. We went to see the Chorus Line, which was good, but you totally would have fallen asleep during since there were some slow moments. But I digress… I know you would have been pleased to see the construction end and perhaps help the downtown areas revitalize by welcoming some more restaurants and stores to the areas that are now empty.

 

It is ironic – and maybe even more sad – that by the time I came home to Cleveland and worked downtown, just a few blocks away from your office, we never had a chance – or an easy way – to visit with each other.

 

If you were still at CSU, I would now just hop on the new double-long HealthLine (which looks pretty cool by the way) and surprise you for lunch.  But, let’s face it, even if you were here, you would smile and be happy to see me, but then not have time to eat because you’d be faced with solving all the issues of the semester in the nursing department.

But, I don’t want you to worry. Your work here on earth is done. Those who are left here have you covered.

Take the rest you deserve, keep an eye on us from above and know that as always, I love and miss you, as do so many others whose lives you touched in your 45 years of nursing – and mostly of caring.

 

Love,

Mary

 

CSU Memorial Service for Mom

I wanted to make sure all of you who would be interested attending knew about this memorial the faculty of the Nursing Department are planning for Mom.

 

 

Mom, Dad and Mary last November

PLEASE JOIN US IN REMEMBERING

 

 

 

Cheryl P. McCahon, RN, PhD

Colleague, Teacher, Mentor, Friend

Memorial Service

Cleveland State University

Fenn Tower, East 24th Street and Euclid Ave., Third Floor — Panel Hall

Thursday October 23, 2008 — 3:00p

If you know you can make it, would you respond to the email or number below? If you aren’t sure till the day of, that is okay too! Dad and I will look forward to seeing anyone who can make it to the memorial service. Thank you to Vida and all of her wonderful friends at CSU for making this happen and continung to remember Mom. 

 

 

 

The Power of the Tissue

Dear Mom,

I’ve learned so many things from you over the years about being prepared for all sorts of events occuring while out in the world: whether it be bringing a light sweater with me to all places in the summer in case the air conditioning is too cold, or knowing to bring business cards to an event at your work where there might be someone who could become a client, or making sure to pack all the right things in the cooler while heading out for a weekend at the lake. But none of those lessons are more valuable than your constant belief in the power of the tissue – and how every single pocket of every single outfit you’ve ever owned is stuffed with kleenex. Kris and I used to laugh at this until we needed a tissue when we had a cold or in a moment of sadness when we might need to use it to blot a tear. But, we still couldn’t help ourselves by making fun of this habit of yours and always asking if the tissue was clean, to which we always received the same answer: Of course it is! This usually was accompanied by your famous ‘look’ that says much more than words could ever express. How dare we even ask if it was a snotty dirty tissue. Rude!

However, the reason I’m writing you today is not to discuss the cleanliness of your tissues, your love for stocking up on kleenex and your preference of them over Puffs or any other brand of the special ‘facial tissue,’ I bring it up today because I had the need for a tissue and what I’ve learned from your habits over the years saved me.

It happened at Cedar Point this weekend. Yes, I went on a whole bunch of rollercoasters, tried to relive my childhood and just had a grand old time of having the crap scared out of me on these super-fast rides. Yet, I digress.

There was a group of six that met there – James, Adam, Jen and I from here and Gina and Julie from Detroit. We arrived to pouring rain but after the journey to get to ‘the Point’ there was no turning back and we piled on our raincoats and put up our hoods and went directly to the nearest bathroom. Since this was when the park opened at noon, we were lucky to discover toilet paper. The rain stopped after a while and we didn’t need to do too much stopping to dry off, but I did start stockpiling paper just in case. Later in the day, on  visit 8 to the bathroom as it was 10pm at night ,  it was going to be a struggle to find a stall that looked even slightly clean and more importantly had a healthy supply (or any) toilet paper.

I thought to myself about the option of ‘dripping dry’ as I am no good in waiting in lines for the bathroom, even though I easily waited in line for the Magnum for one hour! Ironic, yes? Important to the story, no.

But alas, during one of our many meals during the day in the park, I had stocked up on tissues and napkins (really the same – both bad quality and thin) and didn’t have to wait or choose a dripping option. Mom to the rescue, in the form of my thoroughly stocked bag of tissues. On a side note, James at one point made fun of me saying I had a funny looking bag, but on yet another thing I learned from you, pack what you need and leave space on an adventure like Cedar Point, and be comfortable in what you are carrying. Plus, my bag is from Red River and my trip with Lairy and Carol last July 4th (2007) and that always holds happy memories for me so I’m using it whenever I can!

Again, I digress.

But tissues didn’t just make their appearance recently in my bag at Cedar Point. Unfortunately, in going through your clothes, trying to give them away to friends and family who need them and trying to figure out what you would want me to do with all of your beautiful objects, while trying not to cry because of how much I miss you, I have come across a mountain of Kleenex. Really, I should be getting some sort of award from them for the family that had the most ‘pockets full of Kleenex, ever’ in one home. Pocket by pocket I’ve gone through and made a pile of tissues and know that you loved always being prepared for whenever the need for one of those babies became apparent.

I’ve gone through a box during your two visitations and your services in Cleveland and even more while in Gibsonburg, where we said goodbye to you yet again in a service in the church where you grew up. I even noticed that even though we all knew we needed the tissues, I somehow was the only one who remembered to bring the little pocket packs, that went to Wendy and Anna immediately, along with being shared among the rest of the family. I know you don’t want us to be sad and cry for you, but I can tell you this: Too bad. At that time and now we miss you and we will always miss you. There is going to be crying, and, thanks to what I’ve found in your pockets over the last to months, I’m stocked up on tissue!

I love you,

Mary

 

At Indians Game, Thinking of You

Dear Mom,

Kaye gave us her Indians tickets and Dad I spent Saturday afternoon of Labor Day weekend downtown at Progressive Field, but to our family and so many other Clevelanders, we’ll always call it ‘the Jake for Jacob’s Field! I know Kaye wishes she could have taken you to the game and I know how much you love the Indians and I can’t imagine I’ll ever go to a game again without thinking of you. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ll ever go anywhere where I’m not thinking of you. I miss you all the time and I know so many others do too… I hope you are looking down at us from Heaven – and if you have a chance – can you put in a good word for me… and the Indians? 

I’m just kidding, sort of. I love you! Pictures of Dad and I are below….

Go Indians!Under the Sun in the 8th!

 

Another tribute to Mom from an Institute she served

Mom was on the Board of Directors for the Benjamin Rose Institute: (http://www.benrose.org/) and they were kind enough to honor her. Mom only participated in causes and programs she believed in and if you have any interest in learning more about this organization, make sure you check out more than the front page where they talk about Mom. Someday I hope to do just a fraction of the wonderful things she did for the community and to serve others.

 

New segment to share: “Letters to Mom”

Friends and family,

I’ve discovered many things through this journey with Mom’s illness and passing: I’ve learned so much about those of you who admired Mom and those of you who valued her as a friend and colleague and have been fortunate to reconnect with old family members and friends who have supported me and my family through this experience.

I’ve received beautiful letters and cards from so many of you – and many of you have been kind praise my writing in this blog, that I established partly to inform and partly to infuse humor and my love for Mom into a situation that was never funny. Mom also was always very clear that she didn’t want people to see her sick, because I now know that people have always put her into a category that exemplifies strength and courage and she never wanted cancer to define her. As we all know now, it was her love for all of us that always shined through, even in the worst of days of this dreadful disease. She never wanted anyone to worry about her – and while we all did - to her very last moments on this earth, my Mom truly exemplified selflessness, love and courage and that is the way I will always remember her.

I’ve always loved to write – and that is what directed me towards my journalism degree from Ohio University and my career in television news and then to my current line of work: public relations.  I think about Mom every day and try so hard to think of all the positives of her passing: that she is no longer sick and in pain, that she is finally at peace; but sometimes get caught on the phrase ‘it just isn’t fair’ as it often pops into my head. But instead of dwelling on all the things I’ll miss, I’ve started to write her letters about things that are happening to me that I know I can’t share in person, but will help me to continue to feel close to her spiritually, while I know we can never again in this lifetime be able to share a laugh or a hug or a story.

I hope that by sharing my experiences, my feelings and what I’ve learned from knowing that Mom’s cancer could not be stopped, could maybe allow me to help even one more person in the world cope with this terrible disease as it is happening to them.

My new segment will be called “Letters to Mom” and while some of the sentiments are much too personal to share now, they might become available if I found someone to help me edit and share my experiences through a prominent publishing house! In all seriousness, I hope sharing my thoughts and feelings in Mom’s honor will carry on her love and beauty for many others who know us or don’t. The idea is simply to share and grow through the pain – but to also incorporate humor and my love for Mom into every segment.

My first letter begins like this: 

Dear Mom,

Today I bought a kayak. I can picture the look you would give me if I told you this in person and then I wouldn’t be able to finish the story (you know what I’m talking about, that look that says ’buying a kayak is stupid’) so instead I’m writing you this letter.

I used the kayak at Treasure Lake when Dad and I went there last week to take care of a few things after you left this world. It was beautiful and sunny and warm and the water was mostly like glass. However, Dad still managed to find the only wave in the place and had a fresh water lake bath he wasn’t expecting in Bimini. Yes, he tipped over and I’ve taken the kayak back for safe keeping for use by the under 40 crowd only.

IS THAT A GOOD TEASER? More to come… stay tuned… and sign up for email updates if you haven’t already and keep sending me comments and stories. I really appreciate every one of you I know and the many I don’t who have written to me with words of support.  I miss Mom every day but am focused on moving forward and supporting myself and Dad and Kris as we move towards the future.

 

The hardest words ever spoken: Mom’s Eulogy

For those of you unable to attend the services, here is the eulogy I delivered. There are so many other things I wanted to say, but being able to stand up and speak at all was going to be a challenge. Mom must have been there right with me – both times at both services. Mom, I miss you so much. I hope I’ve made you proud throughout the years and in the services and tributes to you last week. 

As the eternal optimist, I never wanted to believe this day would come. I really believe that a woman as courageous and strong as my Mom would live forever. But I find hope in knowing that Mom is at peace and that she means so much to me and my family – and so many of you.

My Mom has been described in many different ways: Her friend and colleague Sheila called her a trailblazer, a community leader, a sustainer, saying out of the world of academia she’d be called a chief operating officer, in the military she’d be a Colonel, all because she gets the job done.

Colleague and friend Vida has described Mom as the master trouble shooter, committee organizer and leader and many have found out that she had trouble saying no to anything – as she believed there was no such word as impossible and always wanted to help and make a difference.

These are all true statements and there is always so much more when it comes to Mom. I mentioned Mom had courage and strength that most in this world cannot match. Her strength allowed her to care for everyone first, putting herself last in line. Her sister Tina and I joked that sometimes that caring sounded a little bossy, but when she started telling us what to do after long periods of being sick   – we liked it – because it seemed like she was feeling better and it  reminded us of the feisty woman so many of us have known and loved for many years.

While Mom would humbly say she was just doing her job when it came to accepting awards or compliments in the world of nursing or community service, or when she did something nice for Kris or I, she was just being a Mom, or a sister, a wife or a friend, she clearly is leaving behind her mark on the world, some would even say a legacy. People who follow her in her professional efforts have quite large shoes to fill and personally, I am my Mother’s daughter – meaning, I too must be strong and courageous and take the lessons I’ve learned from Mom and pass them on. Oh, yeah, and no pressure – she’s got an ‘in’ up in Heaven and you know before long, she’s going to start organizing and running things – so everyone stay on your toes!

I learned so much about Mom and her work over the last few weeks when she went to South Pointe hospice visiting with many of you. I’ve heard fantastic stories about Mom’s sense of humor, her struggles and successes in trying to do the right thing for her students and for the school of nursing at CSU, her time in nursing school and on road trips and all sorts of memories you shared with me and our family. Even just visiting with many friends last night here at visitation and even just before this service, I grew to understand that many of you were inspired and touched by Mom for many years in many ways I’d never even heard of! So, in addition to garnering her strength, I also aspire to inspire others, as you’ve shared with me, she inspired you.

Another thing I respected so much about Mom was her honesty. She was always honest – she would say it like it is. You knew where she stood…. And most of you know, Mom did NOT have a poker face. And while my brother, father and I know it best, you all know what I’m talking about when you say, she gave me ‘the look.’ Famous for enduring the look is my friend Karen who inspired Mom often to give her a look that said much more than any words could. My Mom expected a lot of everyone, had very specific thoughts and ideas, and anyone who disagreed with her or went in a different direction, better be ready to defend their thoughts and actions! Mom and Dad both pushed my brother and I to be the best we could be, and I might be biased, but I think it worked! We know that love drove her to demand the best out of anyone she cared about – and that is all of you!

Mom always accused me of being too optimistic, too naïve and I know she was just trying to protect me from the big hard world out there. I’m sad she won’t be here anymore to do that, but I know for sure she will be with me to guide me in my heart forever – and just for kicks she’ll pull her ‘educator’ tricks and try to throw me a few curve balls just to make sure I make the right decisions. I know, she will do the same for all of you she loved and was so sad to leave… but she had the courage and strength to move on to the next chapter of her life… and so must we…

A good friend keeps telling me that friends divide grief and multiply joy. Together we rejoice that Mom is finally at peace.

 

Memorial for Mom online

In addition to my blog, and the obituaries online at cleveland.com and toledoblade.com, I’m informed by the Ohio League for Nursing that they’ve also posted a notice on its Web site, as Mom was very involved there.

You can see that at http://www.ohioleaguefornursing.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=141

Also, both of the obituaries are linked to the same guest book for Mom online. Please enter your thoughts and memories there if you would like – and eventually I will print all the entries in a bound book. It is wonderful to hear from so many of you and I want to keep these beautiful memories of my Mom alive.

As I mentioned in the last post, thank you for all your kind words, thoughts and love you’ve sent to me and my family.